Dissociation in Film and Literature

Most people know the more popular, but poor depictions of Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder), but few know of the great representations.  You could argue…well its fiction or its just hollywood… but these mediums have a very important, significant impact on society’s perceptions of mental illness.

When films or novels represent mental illness with compassion and respect, the results are phenomenal. The piece is entertaining and successful, but also so valuable in terms of progression of society. The films and novels that are not based on negative, inaccurate stereotypes have the ability to shift our understanding, like no other medium!  This is especially true of film. Take for example, Sybil, The Hulk, Shutter Island, Lord of the Rings; awful portrayls of DID. These are fantastic stories, and I am a super big fan of Dennis Leanne, but I believe the media has misrepresented these great stories of transformation, mistakenly labelling the characters with dissociation or “split personalities”. Worse, films like Psycho, as well as Me, Myself and Irene, portray these characters as calculating murderers; understandable for the storyline, but way off base for DID. Worst of all is the portrayal of DID in soap operas- remember Vicki/Niki and her daughter, Jess/Tess on One Life To Live? I wish it was so obvious!

Who cares?

Ah, but we do need to care. Look what happens when film and novels portray mental illness really well:  A Beautiful Mind, Ordinary People, The Deer Hunter, Margot at the Wedding, The Virgin Suicides. – the world starts to understand and treat mental illness with a lot more respect!  Film and literature are crucial to changing society’s perceptions for the better! I know if I had seen a movie or read a book in my twenties I would have clued into the reason for my difficulties a lot sooner.

In terms of literature, I gained a lot more insight and satisfaction when I read A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving or The Piano Man’s Daughter by Timothy Findley. I know the purpose of literature is not to raise personal insights, but it is thoroughly satisfying to enjoy an entertaining story with well thought out character portrayls. The commentary that follows the film’s release, in the media and society, clearly demonstrates much increased insight in everyone else exposed to the stories.

Finally, I saw my favorite portrayal on the TV show: Murdock Mysteries; where Anastasia Phillips brilliantly represented a young woman with multiple personalities as a result of witnessing trauma as a child.

Good fiction examples include Fragments by Tessa Jones, and Evolution of Insanity written by Haresh Darwin, and Jessica Wilde’s Every One of Me. Here are some very clear, informative guidelines for those wanting to portray mental illness prepared by the Time To Change organization.

Then there is more non-fiction or the personal memoirs, two excellent portrayals specifically describing the experience of dissociation.  Below are two powerful excerpts from memoirs by two women with DID.

Sylvia Fraser –   My Father’s House  

“I recapture tha momen [of abuse] precisely when my helplessness is so bottomless that anything is preferable. Thus, I unscrew my head from my body as if it were the lid of a pickle jar. From then on I would have two selves– the child child who knows, with guilty body possessed by daddy, and the child who dares not know any longer, with innocent head attuned to mommy.”

You may also find interesting descriptions of her body memories, pain and sensations that she endures as an adult but which belong to the past abuse.

“…the adult me comforts the child, holds her hand, pitites her burden until I was prepared to remember our joint history without bitterness. I feel only relief, release, compassion, even elation.”

Pamela Mala Sinha   –  Hiding  

“…she showed herself to us. She called herself Hiding. The parts of that night I couldn’t remember, she did. She was left to live what I couldn’t and she hated me for it. The Blacks [dissociated states] were her way of making me know that if she had o bear I, then I’d have to pay…..Hiding is the only one who could tell you what happened…, but she won’t…. Sometimes during the Blacks, I would go out to bars to find men to rape me. I carried a large knife in my knapsack. Hiding wanted me to re-live it; she believed I should have defended myself…And to bear being touched I would split off–watching myself ‘act out’ from a corner of the room… That’s when I left. I left myself behind to be [abused], left my body there in that bed and walked over…”

 

Kiwi For Reducing Fugue: Another delicious Green Protein Drink!

Over the past few weeks I have been experimenting with different nutrients, trying (kind of desperately) to find ways to keep dissociation at bay and increase clarity in my mind. I am determined to find more ‘tools’, in addition to therapy, hypnosis, exercise, journaling and drawing! So far the meat meals, various vegetable dishes and the Green Protein Drink is showing promise.

I was thrilled to get feedback from other bloggers, and one in particular, Separate Parts commented:

“I love smoothies. Spinach, Kale and Kiwi is also good”

Ah, great suggestion, I thought. As you know I try to keep remedies for dissociation simple as possible to ensure I’m not loosing nutrients, but adding Kiwi fruit should be excellent for nourishing me.

So, I did make it, analyse it and drink it- yum, it was so good!! With this suggested addition of Kiwi, my protein drink is made delicious, the nutrients are increased and it ends up being much more satisfying for my mind- Yes it works! Within an hour, I felt the fugue reduce and my emotional energy rise considerably!!

THANKS to you Separate Parts!

Here is the calculation of nutrients (I like to use a variety of sources to calculate the nutritional charts, but I find SELFNutritionData to be excellent).

Nutrients for Kiwi Green Protein Drink compared to two typical examples of Smoothies

 

Pretty amazing, huh?   I’m impressed… those kiwi’s, when added to kale, spinach and pears, sure create a wonderful infusion to nourish our mind and body! Interestingly, I also discovered that when pears and apples are combined with the kiwi, their protein value increases too.

If that doesn’t convince you, check out the analysis of which of our essential needs are met with one 8-oz Kiwi Green Protein Drink:

No wonder, I felt more clear  and less spilt off.  Okay, this is something I will be having every day, for sure.

Here is the recipe:

• 1 Kiwi
• 1 Apple
• 1 Pear
• 1 cup of blueberries
• 1 cup of spinach (or 2 large handfuls)
• 5 Kale leaves, torn into pieces
• 2 cups of water
• 1 tablespoon of ground flax seed

Cut apple, kiwi, pear, spinach and kale into pieces and mix together in the blender with the water and the blueberries. If you like a different thickness you can easily reduce or increase the water.

I also put the remaining fruit chunks into baggies for the freezer so I can make it real quick next time, and anytime I like; no matter how confused I am.

 

ENJOY!!

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NOTE– I used the following smoothie recipes to compare to our Kiwi Green Protein Drink: Blueberry Muffin Smoohie recipe and the Breakfast Smoothie.

Rabbit Recipe: Protein with the most!

Okay Okay! I will confess!…..  I ate rabbit meat.

A small serving (about a handful), has a phenomenal amount of protein and iron. My body and mind are healing and for that reason I crave, and need a lot of protein. I managed the first part of the week with chicken stock broth, extra spinach and kale fixings as well as some barbecued steak. The proportion of protein, vitamin B, B-6, zinc and good fats is extremely high in these foods; so high that they help reduce dissociation, confusion and improve concentration for me.   Focusing on these nutrients contributed to much clearer days and while I did experience some of the fugue state, I did not dissociate.

Four days in, however, I was suddenly sleepy, exhausted and my feelings of sadness intensified, even though the fugue stayed very low. I was clueless to explain, and in my typical fashion; oblivious to what my body and mind were telling me.

Several days later, I figured it out. I got i!

After a week of fighting fugue and working hard to ward off dissociation, I must have ended up drained; burn out! Now I need to focus on refueling; getting iron, selenium, more protein, omega-3 fatty acid, and magnesium back into my body.

Thats it; I need to fill back up!

In my research I found the answer, but it was not pretty. After years of critizing my dad for eating rabbit and other game meat, I would have to complement him; tell him he was right.

Like many people, I have scorned those who eat rabbit meat- I mean seriously?! Rabbits are so cute and my sister has two rabbits as pets. Yep, I couldn’t deny it as my own research identified rabbit meat as a solution for my post-dissociation recovery.

Have a look at the nutrients table below as I think you will agree.

Making Good For All © 2014

Here is the analysis of the proportion of what this recipe provides:

Making Good For All © 2014

 Loreta’s Rabbit Meal

• 2-3 pieces of Rabbit meat (equivalent to 1 large chicken breast)
• Soak in water and some salt over night and drain the next day
• In a frying pan, with olive oil and garlic, brown the meat
• Add 1 cup of water, sprinkle in some flour and add some wine
• Add all that you like of rosemary, bay leaf, and other herbs
• Throw in a couple of carrots and potatoes for completeness
• Simmer until the meat is done to your preference and the liquid has thickened and absorbed.

Yes, I had to eat my words 🙂

May it give you lots of strength too!

Meatballs: Support for Energy and Routine

We need protein to heal but having it available in its most natural form is a challenge! First, few foods have enough protein to make a difference, and second, it needs to be part of a routine: easy and simple!  This way, whether I have the cognitive clarity or not, I can still eat healthy. I have found a solution for wellness (protein) and consistency (routine) that I hope works for you too.

The beauty of this recipe for meatballs is that they are very simple to make, can be frozen and used anytime on short notice. Most important is that one serving of meatballs provides us with 42% of the protein we need.

Below is Loreta’s recipe; its much simpler than most but I think this is best as it allows us to absorb the main nutrients we need without our digestion having to work so hard (as our bodies are already working very had all the time, coping with stress and repair).

Loreta makes a batch of 20 once a week and freezes them. Light and delicious; available anytime without a second thought, meetng our goal for high routine and dependability- that is this meal doesn’t require any planning and it can be cooked with a confused head 🙂

Simply drop them into  a pot of sauce or you can even boil them. Within 10 minutes you will have a high protein, nourishing meal that cost less than two dollars! Lets get started!

Loreta’s Meatball Recipe

Meatballs dropped in boiling water with the pasta, then simply add butter and salt to your preference.

• 1 package of ground pork (usually in a .5 kilo or 1lb weight)
• 1 package of ground beef (usually in a .5 kilo or 1lb weight)
• Mix the two types of meat together and make a mound (works best on parchment paper)

• 2 eggs (cracked, put in the center, and mixed with the meat)

• 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (we like to use the brand with parsely and romano cheese)

• Mix together until it is all smooth

We must be doing good- Pickles, my son’s cat has joined us!

• Take a small handful and roll into a meatball.

• Feel free to add onions, garlic, parsely and any herbs you like. We like to keep it simple to ensure the strength of the nutrients we need, such as the protein and vitamins.

• Pack them and put them in the freezer. When you are ready drop them into sauce or water and enjoy.

Thats it!

I’ve been working on a way to test and represent what is most helpful to nourishng mental health. Below are the two charts and you’re first to view them as I’m hoping for your feedback 🙂

First, is a typical nutritional table, but only nutrients known to support mental health are identified.

Making Good For All © 2014

Second, is a chart that is a tool I have developed to help gauge which of our needs is best met by which food, nutrients and the particular recipe. The “Essential Needs” identified are the first batch of needs found to be important to mental health and recovery.

Making Good For All © 2014

I have designed an algorithm to evaluate food for nutrients that are required for us and particular to what is needed to help PTSD and DID (any stress for that matter). It shows the proportion of the ‘essential need’ we can get from this recipe.

As I am testing the presentation of this data and the algorithm, I’d love to have your feedback.

You may have other “essential needs” that you struggle with or other nutrients you have identified as important- please let me know and I will implement them too!

 

Green Protein Drink

For awhile I have noticed that getting extra protein into my system helps me feel more energetic and fight fugue, even decrease time lost to dissociation.  The challenge has always been that whey protein, even vegetarian protein supplements which are easy to get, actually make it worse for me. I also needed a quick way to have the protein as I have them in between meals. I’m still working on finding more solutions, but a glass of this Green Protein Drink at around 9:30am helps keep me present and on track!

I keep the ingredients frozen in small baggies which makes this easy and fast to make. I have seen similar drinks made with bananas but personally, I have found them much less effective. Keeping it simple and focusing on ingredients that restore is a perfect solution!

GREEN PROTEIN DRINK

A handful of KALE (I usually aim for 5-7 leaves)

Another handful of SPINACH (I usually aim for one cup)

1 APPLE (peeled and cut into quartered pieces)

1 inch of GINGER (cut in pieces)

If you can get them easily, add 1 spoonful of GOJI seeds

Throw all of it into a blender and away you go 🙂

• See here for a couple more pictures of ingredients, and a description of the fugue state.
• If you don’t have any negative reaction to whey protein, check out this great review of protein powders by Joy McCarthy
• Meghan Telpner, one of my favorite nutritionist-writers, suggests Natural Protein Powder
• If adding other ingredients doesn’t reduce the effectiveness for you, try:  Blueberry Banana and Kale Smoothie , Spinach Chocolate Peanut Butter Smootie , Green Smoothie with Turmeric

ENJOY AND BE WELL!

 

 

 

Mental Health Tracking: Benefits of Protein and Sleep

SUCCESS achieved!

A personal experiment aimed at improving the clarity of my thought and reduce dissociative tendencies with protein and rest worked! Look above and you will see a big reduction in degree of dissociation and equally large increase in clarity– along with increased healthy meals and rest.

Coincidence, a one time fluke; perhaps, but noteworthy all the same.

Of course with a sample size of one (me) and an untested rating system (mine) nothing can be concluded or generalized. Regardless, there is value in becoming self-aware and taking control of what may or may not help us and this is what I did.  There are so many variables impacting on us, and at varying levels, each and every day that we need to take extra steps to monitor ourselves and try to solve all we can!

The effect of stress on people’s health and in turn, the impact of nutrition in health recovery is widely accepted. So it follows that people suffering with trauma based struggles (PTSD, DID, Acute Distress, Anxiety etc) will also benefit from nutritional interventions for their health and well-being. Yet,  there is still no central guiding directive leaving us uncertain as to what to do. This area of research remains highly fragmented despite many great studies from different fields of study.

This is what we know:

• when a major stress, especially a trauma occurs, the brain takes a major hit: physically, emotionally, physiologically, biochemically
• nutrition has a role to play in helping people recover from trauma
• Probiotics and antioxidants are important
• Omega-3 fats are anti-inflammatory, help the immune system and keeps health in balance
• traumas increase inflammation and more radical neuron activity
• we are in control of what we eat and how we get nutrition
• “megadoses of certain vitamins” does help symptoms of trauma
• the brain needs glucose for optimal functioning
• stress on the brain (Cortisol) shuts down systems and uses up a lot of energy: critically important for PTSD and DID!
• Higher brain systems (decision making, reflection) shut down first creating a feeling of chaos and slow, inefficient processing which needs to be rebalanced

This is what we don’t know:

• how to best support regulation of the biochemicals to improve brain functioning- especially the battle with fugue
• what role does protein have (my own experience is that it helps a lot)
• which food provides the nutrition needed to restore fragmented or confused thinking
• is nutrition part of the solution for DID as it seems to be for PTSD

There is no doubt that living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD or even acute stress is depleating, debilitating and exhausting. At the very least, this hard work requires good nutrition to maintain enough strength. However, I believe there are more benefits specific, and useful to symptoms.

Maybe, just maybe… when we experience a fugue state and dissociate, getting more protein provides us with energy and even some healing properties which lessen the degree of fugue (or vertigo).

Finally, we know that changes in the brain can help compensate for coping, suffering and pain, especially when there is trauma. We know the brain has a lot of ‘plasticity‘*, so it follows that we we can improve symptoms. Surely, nutrition has a role in restoring and repairing the negative impact of trauma, whether PTSD or DID. If this is the case we will have many more options for recovery!

Based on my knowledge of the science, I know we can create healthier functioning for ourselves. The challenge is to identify what brain processes to target for trauma symptoms, and how to nourish them best.  I will research all I can and keep you posted. If you know of anything, please let me know too.

*brain plasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change at ANY AGE. I believe this is really key for DID because the trauma occurred  in childhood, long before the brain development is complete.

 

Fighting The All Powerful Fugue State

9:45am– I made it to 9:45; four and a half hours of being fairly clear and here I am loosing a grip, yet again. Even though I had a full breakfast of 2 poached eggs and flax seed bread with water (and later a coffee  at 8am), I am starving for clarity of mind; I dream of having a day where I can simply be and not worry about who I am or where I am. I had that beautiful clarity last week for a few days, but it started slipping away 3 days ago. I have no idea why, even though this is a normal pattern for me.  All I want is a mind that is clear and grounded in the now!

I have to pause to breathe in and out slowly; breathe away the frustration. I try to remember myself. I have learned over many years that sanity involves a fair bit of impersonation, not just for others, but for myself to get through.  Who am I? I was a Psychologist, an art student long ago, someone who seemed in control. I am a researcher, writer and a mom; my husband, son and parents are the observers.

This morning, I am trying to investigate the very subtle changes in clarity that are happening in my head, with the hope of fixing it. What can I do to improve the frequency of clarity and consistent presence I need?  Sometimes there are triggers I can see, hear or feel but many times I am not able to identify anything but the sensations triggered in my body. At this point, I imagine letting the feeling continue, letting it pull me away. Walk through the door to the place where other memories and experiences are. If I don’t, I feel a roil and rumble turning over starting from my pelvic bone and spine, up to my belly as if one memory were talking to another. Sometimes it really irritates me because the memory strokes my vagina. At other times there is a curling, stirring sensation against my torso; some jagged trauma is shaking me. As it feels violent and, I cannot eliminate it with insight, not even one spark, the panic attacks start. There is this great pulsing stream that travels from my chest, through my throat and into my forehead. If I am still here, I struggle to catch my breath. Today, I can slow it down, even make it disappear with steady, relaxed breathing and encouraging self-talk.

In the past, when I was not aware of my triggers or the body memories, I would immediately dissociate, sometimes to the point of amnesia and days of lost time when I would busy myself creating problems. It would not be a stretch for me to get a job and quickly get fired, commit to a project only to dump it or buy a house only to loose it when in an altered state.

10:00am– I am getting dizzy because my head is spinning and I can feel the beginning pressure of the headache that accompanies the dissociation. I need to do something, but what? I sit here feeling vague like I’m spreading thin: the fugue has started and I am not fully in command of myself.

My options:

• Do nothing and float away?
• Get really mad or feel sorry for myself?
• Take action?

With the decision to take action, I will gain some true sense of control. My action will be to get some nourishment in the form of a kale-spinach smoothie. I know it sounds terrible but it is packed with protein and essential nutrients for stress. I also know that nutrition is not a cure for mental illness but it’s something I can do for myself to take control and I do believe nutrition is part of the solution; I just haven’t figure it out yet 🙂

I pull the small packages of Kale, apple, spinach and ginger, I have stored in the freezer.

So, I think, I would like to pull this together competently and precisely. Yes, this I can do. Will it help? I will let you know.

Check out the Green Protein Drink recipe.

 

Art Therapy: Why does it work?

Cathy Malchiodi Art Therapy © 2002

The scientific literature, and especially the work of Dr. William Steele and Dr. Cathy Malchiodi, has supported PTSD and all trauma related symptoms as being a series of reactions based in various sensory experiences- sight, sound, touch. This makes sense, especially in the case of childhood sexual abuse and the resulting Dissociative Identity Disorder.

A child has no way of explaining the event; the traumatic event can’t be encoded in the brain in the usual way which is through understanding, insight and language. There are no words, no context, no ability to synthesize and understand the trauma in a young child. The result is that the trauma experience is encoded by both mind and body. When a trauma happens, it doesn’t fit into any of the child’s contextual memory, so new memories or dissociations are established.

When a traumatic memory cannot be articulated wih words, it gets stored at a symbolic level with visual images, and with its own visual identity. As you can guess, the images created contain all the elements of the experience: what happened, the child’s emotional reactions to what happened and the terror and pain of the event; imagine- ALL in one package with no way of remembering or explaining it.

Interesting research by Dr. John Micsak indicates that three regions of the brain needs to be addressed to support trauma recovery. He and others at the Child Trauma Academy, describe the “thinking brain” or cortex that is involved in reasoning; the “emotional brain” or limbic system directing regulation, tolerance and coping resources; and the “survival brain” or brain stem that controls the fight-flight function. It makes sense that sensory based interventions, such as art therapy are needed for recovery of the traumatized brain.

How and why?

Creating art connects all three brain regions which would be needed for integration and which is understood to be necessary for recovery, especially for people suffering with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

The rhythm of the colors, lines and shapes along with the patterned sensory input of putting these aspects of the art creation work together to impact on the brain. Yes, the symbolic representation and expressive communication of art is important but doesn’t explain the positive shifts that occur. This research does.

Expressive art allows for soothing, relaxing, meditative reactions through touch. You are not just viewing but completely involved in doing and driving the action. Involving the imagination, playing with the art elements and the connected experience reinforces connection through positive emotional attachment.

The storytelling aspect of creating art addresses the needs of the “thinking brain”.  Once the trauma story can be told, a person can better use other cognitive and behavioural strategies for greater, long-term success.

See, it hierchical and connected through the process of creating art, and as a result must lead to integration at the brain, body and soul level!

Art therapy goes to the heart of how the body remembers the trauma and that, I believe is essential for recovery.  Art and trauma, DID or any PTSD symptoms: simple but effective!

For more information check out:

• International Art Therapy Organization
• Work of Cathy Malchiodi
• Oprah’s Interview on Art Therapy and Dissociative Disorder

 

How to help trauma and dissociation: Create art

SAILING THROUGH STORYM SEAS © Harli Tree 2010. “Although its rough if we keep on course we will make it through large”

Cathy Malchiodi and many in her field use Expressive Arts Therapy to help victims of trauma recover. By raising peoples’ awareness of their physical and mental states, resilience and their feelings of safety. They suggest that simple aristic activities like drawing or sculpting clay can soothe the brain and activate insight which in turn helps recovery move forward.

The simplicity and effectiveness of this approach is amazing. In her initial treatment she begins by offering victims of trauma a rubber duck and asks them to build a safe place for it using materials in front of them such as, feathers, paper plates, leaves, pieces of fabric, pipe cleaners and wood scraps. Yes, it can be that simple!

[I’m chuckling at what I thought I would create with these materials- I imagined myself hiding the duck behind the paper plates, covering it with fabric and building a fence around it…. LOL! can’t get more symbolic than that!]

“This highly sensory experience, where you can actually feel the nest, pond, or whatever you build, engages the lower parts of your brain, whereas simply drawing a safe place or depicting goals require higher cognitive areas,” Malchiodi explains.

HOW TO HELP YOURSELF WITH ART:

STEP 1-Create a SAFE place or imagine it and describe it to yourself. If you need help here, follow steps and strategies laid out by Laury Rappaport as she details how to set this up. Don’t do what I did which is to take months and months to get to this point. Follow her steps as she shows you how to “clear a space”

STEP 2- Focus on paper, pencil, paint, even chalk. Place them in front of you and just relax; let go and do whatever comes to mind, even if it is for a minute. Then try again, and again.

STEP 3- Become more expressive, create and create more to help you find your story and find and support your Alters.

STEP 4- Review the expressive art of others using art to recover. Check out this beautiful article on Jaxzy Heart for lots of inspiration!

I’m at Step 5 and will let you know as soon as I move through, but for now it seems to me that simply creating more and more will naturally lead to more recovery. I will keep you posted. In the meantime, if you have strategies or “steps” that you have used, please let me know so we can help others too.

Drawing: One way to recover from Dissociative Identity Disorder

© 2014 Loreta Mantini

It is an interesting turn of events, actually ironic, that as a child and well into my teenage years, visual art was a passion of mine. I went to an arts high school where over half of my courses were in Fine Art, applied to BFA and Art programs at the post-secondary level and until my early twenties envisioned a career in the fine arts. Sculpture, print making and photography were especially fascinating to me. Even when I switched career paths away from fine art, photography exhibits, art galleries, artisan crafts and art books were still a source of great solace for me. Where is the irony?  Well, now that I need to be involved in expessive art, I can’t! I mean, it is extremely difficult.

For months, I have been trying to reach one of my Alters; a young child, maybe 4 years of age, who is immobilized as she sits on the bed, and in turn immobilizes me.  She is not only helpless and sad but she is completely speechless. Of course, she is the one who actually lived through the repeated rape and still holds the memory and pain associated with the trauma.

For years, I have known art is important to recovery but I have only been able to pursue art sporadically. Occasionally I visited an art gallery or collected art books. For brief periods of time, I studied photography, wondered about pottery. Most successful was my quilting as it lasted a few years and I even created a few pieces. Quilting is as close as I could get to expressive art, and I do love it.

Now that I have come to understand my Alter who I call, “the little one”, I decided to try again. Lynne, my trauma therapist persisted in telling me that drawing will tap memories and feelings that “the little one” could not articulate.; she would not have had the words to express what happened, and the secrecy around it would not have allowed “the little one” to speak up; that I could discover more about how to help her through drawing. I resisted for months; terrified to even pull out some paper or create anything with craft material.  Someone will see it- I argued in my mind – I will get in trouble.

After 3 months I finally purchased a thick sketch book and 2 months after that, I was able to put pencil crayon to paper and this is what happened:

This was a huge break through for me. After I worked down the feelings of terror associated with coloring, I backed away because all I could think of was to draw was a thick black hole that I wanted to stab and rip to pieces. Thanks to Lynne’s encouragement and ability to instill a safe place for me, I made myself sit down with pencil crayons and my sketch book. However, I wouldn’t have been able to draw without my mother sitting with me and drawing first (see top of post for her picture). I watched her for a long time, enjoying her whimsical, sweet drawing and listening to her reminders that I was safe. When she was almost finished, I drew a green line, back and forth, in the top left corner. I was commitment to “the little one”; she could express what ever she wanted.

It was amazing in that I felt I was sharing something good with “the little one”, that I was helping her. This was empowering for me as I experienced a sense of control- of making something good happen for my Alter and in turn for me.

It was awful in that, I saw horrible things in the drawing. It represented aspects of the rape. Without even trying and certainly not planning it as I don’t remember, I created a symbolic picture representing the rape. When I look at my drawing I see sexual body parts; a vagina, the top of a penis repeatedly trying to force through. I see blood, groups of lines pushing and pulling, tension driving through the small hole at the top. I felt the pain at the bottom of my spine and a burning jab across my pelvic bone. I was alarmed by this and did not try again for several weeks, but with my mother’s encouragement and modelling, I did try again.

The second drawing proved to me that the theme was no coincidence. Again, I let go; let my pencil crayon go where it wanted- whatever “the little one” wanted to express. Again, the shapes and colors became sexualized; this time zoomed in and focused on the vagina as if it were an anatomy drawing showing layers of skin, blood, and interfering objects over and over again. I was still very uncomfortable with this but not shocked this time. Clearly this is the way “the little one” needs to tell me what she experienced. I have only a few memories that are like still images, but she knows the full story and can likely tell it through multiple images. Definitely insightful for me!

The anxiety has reduced, however, there is a part of me that just doesn’t want to know. This is not helpful, I know. For this reason, I am working on coaching myself to color some more. I haven’t been able to yet, but it is still a goal and of course, something I do have to do. I also have not acknowledged out loud what she is trying to show/tell me (except a little bit to Lynne) and that is likely part of my denial as well.

I do want to help “the little one” as she can help me understand a few more things about my traumatic experiences. I feel it is the right thing to do for her and synthesizing my experience through the coloring will help me move towards more integration.

It occurs to me now as I write this, that I can write “the little one” a letter. I can encourage her and see if I can flush out and understand my fear. I will get on that now!

NOTE- I’ve started writing a post summarizing the theory behind each issue I struggle with, as well as another post with tips on what to do. I will start providing these additional two links at the bottom of each post.

Would love your feedback!

Theory: Art Therapy: Why does it work?

How to: How to help trauma and dissociation: Create Art