Tracking Mental Health Factors: Dissociation on the rise

Well, looks like a big mess doesn’t it?

The best laid plans of…. often go awry…..

I started tracking the variables, I suspected to be important, a couple of weeks ago; everyday rating my level of each from extremely poor (1) to really great (10) to see what I could learn. What is behind my inconsistency? Surely, I can figure this out and make it better for myself! Hey, I figured, I can use myself as a case study; use a 10 point rating to assign values to each factor everyday- what could be simpler?

I’m chuckling because the chart does reflect me perfectly in one big way: CHAOTIC!

Ok, okay…I will try to figure something out. Here goes:

I had great clarity (thinking clearly, organized, focused) for several days but lost it over the past few days
There were no triggers I am aware of; at most a couple
My intake of health meals declined with an increase in dissociation
Decline in clarity is associated with an increase in dissociation
Relationships were also more stressed when clarity reduced
As the clarity reduced and dissociation increased, so did my anxiety
Doesn’t seem related to social demands or other known triggers
Alters were not significant but felt a little today and yesterday with high levels of confusion

I have no idea why but late Friday (30th), I began to feel lighthead (typically the beginning of a state of dissociation). I wondered if it was the slice of white bread I ate in the afternoon (I know I need to avoid gluten). Nothing else had changed. Then Saturday morning, I couldn’t concentrate or keep things straight. I kept busy with mundane, routine things (I have learned this helps), drank a lot of water, tried to eat better, but Sunday (1st) was worse.

But why?!! What can I do?!

Sunday started very unsettled (felt like something was churning in my stomach and chest- must have been an Alter) and worsened but I was able to stablize the splitting by early afternoon by shutting out a lot of stimuli (keeping to myself) and researching from my ‘to-do’ list.

Here’s what happened on Sunday (1st):

5:30am – woke up to walk the dog, very tired, feeling restless
7:00am- had breakfast (2 poached eggs), started research because I was too restless to lie down and rest
7:30am- anxiety increased, panic attacks started- all the while I am experiencing confusion, poor clarity (not yet fragmented, but unfocused and confused)
7:50am- feel very sad, eyes well up with tears (still have no idea why)
8:30am- feeling much more distressed, weak, dizzy
8:53am- eat 2 slices of turkey and 3 rice crackers, drink water
9:00am- started coaching myself (self-talk: reassurance, directing myself outloud), breathing, telling myself to relax, focus on finding the information I was looking for (research on art therapy for a post)
11:30am- more breathing, another walk, and I did it!! I brought the anxiety and distress down, and even felt a lot of the confusion clear.

MONDAY:

Today, however, my head is more confused. Today I do have full blown fragmented thinking (back to only managing mundane tasks). Throughout the day, the dizziness worsened and I couldn’t manage my hunger or fatigue levels. I even tired to lie down for 2 hours but not a wink of sleep, and instead I had panic attacks the whole time.

Well, I tired. I tried to figure it out. I will continue to track, measure and document everyday, as there has to be some clue I am missing in amongst all this chaos. After all, solving a mystery can be fun.

I am going to target what I know I can control: eating and sleeping. So off to bed early tonight and high green/protein food tomorrow.

Let me know if you see anything I missed or anything you think I need to add to the daily tracking variables.